- Kathryn Patterson
I've had strange dreams this week. I wake up feeling sticky inside and out. It's as though everything is offset by just a touch. I feel guilty and horrible and slightly sick to my stomach. I find my mind cluttered with moments in time where I screwed up. Times that I want to do again. Does life have do-overs? I need a do-over or two. I try to forgive myself. I tell myself, "Kathryn, let it go. Forgive yourself, because you cannot change it now." I know that I learned my lesson. For each time I remember, I know what I would do know. I know how to avoid the situation or at least to react. But the guilt remains. I sometimes feel time slip through my fingers, through my hands. Like sand or water or opportunities not taken. My head refuses to stop thinking, but it also refuses to focus. Fuzzy dreams, fuzzy thoughts, cloud my head until I have trouble seeing the world around me. Reality fades on me sometimes. I feel like a jack of all trades at life. I can fake it with the best, but I never really live. I can't connect to people. Especially those that I love. How do I get off this merry-go-round?